Monday, April 21, 2014

"The Long Road"

            The extra mile is in the back of my heart
Or at the top of a redwood tree
When all we are is the collision at a rolling stop
And you won’t stop for me
Oh, I picked you from the top, my dear
But now all I have left is my hollow fear
So why won’t you reach for me?
            I sit suppressing myself for you
Trying to pull you in, too
Because, in this, pulling suffocates less
While pushing takes pride
And my heart is so sick
Moving doesn’t drown my love
Lying won’t make it
Only tell me you don’t need me
Or at least try and fake it

            I saw sparks flying from inside you
Raged on steel doors to let me in
Pleaded shamelessly, “I can’t lose you”
And heard you distant from within
But behind those doors was a concrete wall
Sealed with the broken pieces of what I gave
They were tattered and torn
Shattered, hardened and condensed
Into a filling for the cracks
What did I mend?
                      The part that won’t let me through
I took a step backwards in falling for you

            Balance on your fingertip
And wrap myself around it
It makes me look different
Thinner, older, sadder, maybe,
But I don’t know if I mind
Because over tenfold, give me that break down again
Every night for a thousand years
Just stay with me
I’ll take yours away
Breathe it into my skin
           Into my lungs
                       Into my vessels and toss it above me
                                                          Into the air like confetti
And let the wind have her way with it

            I knew you’d be up tonight
And here I dig myself deeper
A tomb in this muscle where it’s throbbing and swelling
Or are you the grave keeper?
There’s no solid line between us
Cutting in as the passerby's gawk
They’re hypnotized but I’m paralyzed by the stinging laceration
Which makes the pit lower
Dig into yourself
Bring out those pangs with your bare hands
If you can
Lay them inside me like a bouquet of lilies
Sew me up
            And in the ambient, morning light
Float me down the river on a raft made of promises
An ambiguous raft as your burdens ride away

Paint yourself in autumn leaves
Hide under the trees ‘till I come home
                                    I’ll come back for you
And in Heaven, so to speak
Where our hearts and secrets are all intertwined
If you’ll have it
We will be well, then

                      But, here,
In this moment
My hand is on my chest
And you’re aiming for my heart
As I try to keep composed
To keep from breaking
Or from sinking
When the words “not enough” pour out between my lips
And I’m standing frozen
In your direct line of vision
But if I beg on my knees,
Be gentle with me
Because my legs are tired
My heart is sore
And I’m so sick of running
Because I’m losing more
With every breath

                        Eleven-hundred words
                                               for you
                                               and counting.

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