Saturday, November 1, 2014

"Bomb Shelters"

You have shattered the
precious bomb shelter
I have constructed
With your words
You verbs
Your piercing stares

Oh, now and again
you drive me to drink
You drive me to think
And I think I'll keep you

I'll use your heart
if you're not going to.
He's screaming into a microphone
And she's driving down the coast
to be the one he's weak for
but strengthened by.

You're my favorite term of endearment.

"Little, White Box"

My skin is soft
My hair is wild
And my eyes search for you
You can't see the beauty
Right in front of your heart
I am
tugging at my clothes
to try and change your mind
But even I have dreams
of the ones you see
And how could I ever be a dream?

You keep me in a little, white box
And take me out only when you want
With your glorified ideas of
who you wish I was

But if you keep me out
too long
you see the scars
and the weathered ends

My skin will never be
dream skin
My hair can't grow the way
you'd like

So why don't you keep me
in that box for good
and give me away?
Maybe to someone who
will open the box and say,
"This is all I've ever dreamed of."

"Find My Soul"

I like the weight of your
voice on my chest
But I don't know who 
I am anymore
Cut open secret parts of
my veins
And watch me bleed out
There are pieces of my heart
I don't want to share
with anyone else
I'm afraid they'll see
too much of me
And that you will, too
Because I'm not as transparent
as you think

"Nothing But a Good Fuck"

Go and change someone else

You're so platonic
it's making my guts turn
Push me away with your
averted eyes
Push away with your apathy

You're one big
loaded question
Who will never want me enough

Sunday, October 26, 2014

I've been waking up without a
memory of where I am

But your song still feels
like home
Voices like sparks
showering down on my skin
Making my blood clean
Thank you for your soul
For bringing me to life
with a single line

You make me keep hoping
the rain will come

"Life Vest"

I cannot feel
If I should use you as my life vest
Or let you gently float downstream

Tell everyone the same thing
"Tears calcify to heal the broken parts"
I'm full of bad bones
And you're all good

But sometimes I think
I'd rather break my own heart
Than stay intact just to keep alive


Your scent's still hanging on my skin
Call me "darling"
Call me "darling" again

You won't surface unless your
poison is matched
Yet I'm still rushing to you

Oh, pretty boy
Sometimes I worry
Because only you can hear me
when I whisper
And pretty boy
I think sometimes you worry
Because you want to wake up
next to me

Xanax dreams
And vanilla incense
No "we"
No "us"
Nothing is ours
Nothing ever will be ours

You can visit Europe
"You can even visit more than once"
But you can't live there
and Language Barriers
and Currency Exchange

You'll just dangle a one-way ticket
in front of my lips
And snatch it away when I bite

This well-traveled heart can only stretch so far
So don't call me "darling"
Don't call me "darling" again

Monday, August 18, 2014


   This afternoon, I stepped onto the patio into the dry, summer sun. My first outing of the entire day. Against the forest green vines I noticed my soul animal, a little, white butterfly. I always notice them. I don't know why I relate. Maybe I want to be like them: Small, light, happy. Quiet, humble. Free.
   I watched the humble, little bug freely flap her wings through the sunbeams,  contentedly. Out for an afternoon summer stroll. Upon looking closer, however, I noticed that one of the butterfly's wings had seemingly been torn off, leaving little behind than enough to keep her afloat. How was she flying with such a deformity? What laws of physics was she defying in order to dance through the air?
   Before I had noticed her mangled wing, the way she flew really did seem like a dance. When I eventually saw it, the dance turned into a limp, but nothing had shifted in her movement except my perspective. Why couldn't she still be as free as before I noticed her scars? They had always been there, and I admired her effortlessness.
   Is the glass half full, or no? The wounds from her past made her more beautiful and dance more freely than she ever could have before them.
"I would rather break my own heart
(and tumble apart)
Than stay intact only to keep alive"

Sunday, June 8, 2014

"Mercury in Retrograde"

walking into a silent war zone
I can see your heart beating from the outside
in your neck
in your stomach

the rain isn't used to falling here

and it's seeping under doorways
sea levels rising
so we can tread
or we can swim
or we can sink

"Close your eyes"

close your eyes
your green eyes
when the green smoke detector light
is your northern star
close your eyes
and fly away
limbs akimbo
from this place
being face to face brings ambivalence

you're like sweet poison

there's always something worth
flipping guts
bringing new nightmares
flowing through untainted blood
a paralyzingly sweet bed
and saccharine skin

expect too much

don't get overzealous
choose your actions carefully

Thursday, May 8, 2014

"Acid Rain" (2/9/10)

Eating cereal out the bag
Down an uncleared sidewalk
Her midwestern winter dragging
Skin through snowy cocaine
That cereal won't fill you up
So don't leave yourself to ruin
More than you thought you could

She needs a sunset
A clear sky of orange marmalade
And salt air
Because rock bottom, isn't yet
Her life ended
Where the sea fell off the earth
Her soul hollowed
When the gulf ran dry

And from her heart poured
Ocean tears
Trying to explain herself

All that's here
Is acid rain

"Strength" (12/10/09)

I always found it hard
To sleep in someone's arms
Until yours came along
But since then
I don't want to look at you
With tear-stained cheeks
And blood-stained hands
All to feel you tear us down again
And again
And again
So like morning condensation
The windshield drops are moving up
In reverse
Do that to me
It's shocking the way my heart is beating
But I promise there was a time when I was happy
And you were there
So don't upset yourself
I'll be ill but alright
I'll write

"The Cleanest Cut" (11/17/09)

Break me in two
Between home and you
The cleanest cut
And you helped me see through
All of them up until now
We'll be standing hand in hand
In a gallery of faces
Waltz through as they stare at us
And we're just looking at each other
We're looking into one another
Break me down
Down to the minerals I'm made of
Pass me through a needle
And blow me away
Maybe then the separation won't ache
Because I find myself
Clinging to you
And pulling at your clothes
From behind closed doors


you and you
blaze and booze
all night long
so alike
under a fickle, starry light
so I can't help thinking
I'm left for dead
and I'm fading
you can see the darkening care
under my eyes
every morning
don't you know I need you
I'll take care of you both
under dull, yellow light
if the power goes out
and it's all we can find
even if you let me down

"Groundhog Day" (1/26/10)

My tongue moves in new circles
But I bet you still kiss the same
I bet you still kiss the same
If you bite my lip
And bruise my hips
You'll back away
Because my eyes were never tame
enough to keep you between my fingers
They're swollen
And I can't stop writhing
With a child's silver lining
singing around my iris

"Something New" (1/15/10)

everything is more romantic from above
on a silent, aerial track
the grass is greener
or the snow is whiter
the city lights from across town
are always brighter

but i'm perfectly perfect here
sitting on a windowsill
watching the Columbus lights
through the night
with you in mind

Sunday, May 4, 2014

"What I've Learned II"

what i've learned
is that one can cross the country
drive three thousand miles
start a new life
and still feel stuck

and after all that

who would turn down the street
and walk this way?
surely not you
because you have an honest face
but you'll never be trusted
to stick around

You with your covered heart

and your attention in every direction

since when did you have the upper hand?

since your heart runs at a full five beats a minute?
or since your unattached eyes see
straight through mine

Now that i've found you

i have never felt more lost

Monday, April 21, 2014


How you willed me here
was no coincidence
And the way I touch you
isn’t just happenstance

Don’t let the sick ones
take you down
They’ll only bode you to stray
And tempt you
When all you want
is to heal you
And heal them
“Together, we’ll mend,”
Someone said

I’m not asking for your heart
Only for a piece of your mind

Clean up the glass
from the kitchen floor
Take a cold shower
And come watch the sunrise from the rooftop
With me


This false perception
Of a leather-wearing,
Prince of the USA

And I smiled not for before
But for you
For now
For what’s been falsely noted
Crossed out
And blurred over
by a rosy haze of
False expectations

Your false, piercing stare
Doesn’t do me any good at night

"Growing Pains"

Never knowing where to start
Where which line ends
                             and which begins.
So we cry 
           and cry
                      and cry
And we fall
            and fall
                      and fall
But you better get up, child
You better get up, son
daughter, mother, father
Your knees are scraped
From the rough world’s feet
And you cry and cry and cry
Let’s all cry, cry, cry

Oh, these growing pains
You’ll never see
Inside of me
I’m paralyzed, papa
I’m so scared, mama
That you will never see
All of me

So off I go
To a place I don’t know
Putting on a show
Chasing dreams,
                                   That’s all they are
Falling from the sky

‘Cause we all fall,
So quit crying.

"You Are The Embodiment Of Falling Apart With Dignity And Grace"

I’ll never watch the stars
Or see another sunrise
with you
But they won’t be my last

A new familiar face
Finally comes into light

I’ve been a little girl
In a big world
But things come after, things come after
Things come after you

These caffeinated
Heartbreak hibernations
Will cease
They will dissipate
Into rose-colored glasses

Because there is one
Who can melt the sun
With his honey words
And untether hardened arteries
From the frozen ground
To soar above the clouds

My heart was his
Before I even knew it

"Sit and Wait"

He’s got nothing
To show
To explain for himself
To defend
He’ll just sit there and wait

Here brews the calm before the storm
Watching and waiting
For the very worst
The hurricane of fits and spurts
And there’s nothing we can do but sit and wait
Because only the cowards evacuate

When did she become the enemy?
Morals and values shoot through piercing eyes of blue
Drowning in blue
Pale, dead blue
Oceans and rivers and puddles of 
Muddy, blue you
As resentment grows
And her sunken heart drowns in regret

Hanging on by a nail.

So how is your heart
Now that you’ve broken
All that was sacred from the start?
How does it feel to break someone else?
Can you gaze into glass
And believe you can pass for a pulse? 

"Your Losing Bet"

you think you can coax
a diamond in the rough
because it’s buried deep
and the waiting’s been enough
but don’t let your eyes stray
she’ll tie your shoelaces together
and you’ll go tumbling
down down down
you’ll plummet like a poisoned oak
when no one was around
to hear it fall
don’t mistake her pleasantries
or the sweet taste of her skin
she’ll test you close
and leave you fighting
but you can’t win
not with this one
when all you need is an honest mind
and a pensive heart
it’s simple when you look inside
but a diamond won’t crack
so you’ll never see it break
only see it shine forever

"We're All Mad Here"

Well I live in a den of salesmen
We tell stories
And make people believe them
In heaven
We’re all dressed up
With nowhere to go
And no money to spend
On the things we don’t need
Just green tea and tuna
For breakfast, lunch, and dinna

Put out the light
They don’t see us
Put out the light
We’re all naked here

A pile of naked bodies
Incestuous little animals
Piled high in our little den
With our little pricks and little slits
And our big minds in a big, big world

I can sit in the corner
Twiddling numbers, thumbs and orders
Staring up from a crossword puzzle
Making your knees turn to soot

You’re collapsing in front of
My irreconcilable difference
And paving the way 
For a new way to stay
Underground with the worms and the witches

Because we’re all mad here
But you’ve nothing to fear
When you let your lies
Fall aside
And strip yourself alive


I'm poisoning myself
Trying with every tick
Not to break my promises
Saltwater running past my temples
Through my hair
In my skin and down my spine
Screaming to make sense
Of a senseless poison
That taints my perfect progression from you

But there's a light that I'm hoping on

Could we salt the world
So we don't crash?
And the snow begins to fall
To the beat of the music

With every season
You grow further away
This year
Through iron, salt,
Water and flesh
I've tasted what I'm made of

At the fork of the river
God sees my open heart
And begins to cry
Early Spring tears
As the seasons roll by

'Till one day I stop writing
And maybe that's what you wanted


I dreamed in you the other night
We were so in sync
We could speak through our minds
From far away
If I could chip off a piece of my heart
And wrap it in silk ribbon
I’d break it into eighty years
And send you one each day

I can make this rotation
Again and again
Create and jersey cocoon
Just to settle in

To a singularly dented mattress

One, two, three, four
Sheep across the dance floor
Eleven, ten, nine, eight
Good things come to those who wait
Wait, wait, wait

So here I am
Trying too hard
To come up with an answer
Rambling on
Trying to find a word of truth
Waiting on the truest
Thing I live for
And where you go
The midwestern sun follows

"Healing Me"

I want you more than I thought there was
I want
And I have
All I need
And it's in you

Pull me closer
'Till I sink into your skin

I've been trying to find a way
To skip a day
Or two
'Till I'm in front of you
Where breathing comes
Like peaches in golden air
And it's healing me

"The Long Road"

            The extra mile is in the back of my heart
Or at the top of a redwood tree
When all we are is the collision at a rolling stop
And you won’t stop for me
Oh, I picked you from the top, my dear
But now all I have left is my hollow fear
So why won’t you reach for me?
            I sit suppressing myself for you
Trying to pull you in, too
Because, in this, pulling suffocates less
While pushing takes pride
And my heart is so sick
Moving doesn’t drown my love
Lying won’t make it
Only tell me you don’t need me
Or at least try and fake it

            I saw sparks flying from inside you
Raged on steel doors to let me in
Pleaded shamelessly, “I can’t lose you”
And heard you distant from within
But behind those doors was a concrete wall
Sealed with the broken pieces of what I gave
They were tattered and torn
Shattered, hardened and condensed
Into a filling for the cracks
What did I mend?
                      The part that won’t let me through
I took a step backwards in falling for you

            Balance on your fingertip
And wrap myself around it
It makes me look different
Thinner, older, sadder, maybe,
But I don’t know if I mind
Because over tenfold, give me that break down again
Every night for a thousand years
Just stay with me
I’ll take yours away
Breathe it into my skin
           Into my lungs
                       Into my vessels and toss it above me
                                                          Into the air like confetti
And let the wind have her way with it

            I knew you’d be up tonight
And here I dig myself deeper
A tomb in this muscle where it’s throbbing and swelling
Or are you the grave keeper?
There’s no solid line between us
Cutting in as the passerby's gawk
They’re hypnotized but I’m paralyzed by the stinging laceration
Which makes the pit lower
Dig into yourself
Bring out those pangs with your bare hands
If you can
Lay them inside me like a bouquet of lilies
Sew me up
            And in the ambient, morning light
Float me down the river on a raft made of promises
An ambiguous raft as your burdens ride away

Paint yourself in autumn leaves
Hide under the trees ‘till I come home
                                    I’ll come back for you
And in Heaven, so to speak
Where our hearts and secrets are all intertwined
If you’ll have it
We will be well, then

                      But, here,
In this moment
My hand is on my chest
And you’re aiming for my heart
As I try to keep composed
To keep from breaking
Or from sinking
When the words “not enough” pour out between my lips
And I’m standing frozen
In your direct line of vision
But if I beg on my knees,
Be gentle with me
Because my legs are tired
My heart is sore
And I’m so sick of running
Because I’m losing more
With every breath

                        Eleven-hundred words
                                               for you
                                               and counting.


My innards ache
To see you around
But the weight of your indifference
Beats heavy on my chest
Lying there
The heat on my face
When you’re making my mind
Pitter patter
Just a little faster
Not a jolt in the heart
Just the place and time
The summer in my hands
Makes me pitter patter

I can see what’s
Smeared across my face
See that maybe
There’s finally you who can
Pin me down
But you won’t
And I don’t want to want you to
Telling myself
This is nothing
And you’re no one
Over, over, over, and out
Still this outlet isn’t helping

So release
Let it be
And you’ll never see me sweat
Not a drop of nothing
Out of me
Tapping pitter pat


Taking your memory as a souvenir back
But your face is fading
Like a dream
Only icy fingertips
And wet grass stains
To recollect
And we're not even home yet
But why should I mind?
I don't
When there's no thought of me
You won't
Trouble with the idea
I think too much
But my soul feels vacant
Maybe this is what they meant
But I'm stronger than them
This won't phase me
I never fell
And I never will
Push it, kick it
Shove it all away
Indifference is bliss
I'm convinced
Leave it where I found it
Moving right along
This frustration will float
Into every sense of equity
On the edge of my lips
Good luck


You're proving me wrong, Scotland
You're making me think
Count my blessings
But for God's sake Scotland
Stop crying
Get happy
Take into account your countenance
And its splendor
Remember the hearts you've turned
And the souls you've filled with fervor
Boiling blood and fluttering stomachs
Scotland, your mind could change the world
Let it all in
Being overwhelmed
And begin

"Going Down"

Flying high
I can't write
Guarded inhibitions
No inspiration
Just chemicals
Pushing, pulsing, pulling,
Pulling daisies from the root
Pulling headboards for the swell
Clenching and
Holding on for swelling light
I can't write
Flying high
Going low
Up and down
Sound stretching
Breathing, rocking, giving
Giving way
Giving in
Going down